just once

you can tell them over and over, but you can’t make ’em do it.

but just one time I’d like to see someone actually take their head out of their ass.

the rrrest of the story:

The back yard grass was pretty extreme; when it rains that part of the yard gets pretty soggy so we put off cutting it until it has a chance to dry. Prob is we’ve had some ‘not dry’ weather around here for the last few weeks and the yard isn’t afraid of the mower anymore.

Now, for reasons that will forever remain unknown to me, the roommate has decided her 14 yr old daughter will be the one mowing the yard. Compounded by the fact she’s been sick all week, this can only spell disaster. I mean let’s face it, if you can find a teenager that WANTs to cut the grass, you’ve found a teenager that’s getting PAID more than its worth. If you can find a teenager that wants to do a quality job, well then, you’ve obviously developed inter-planetary space travel, because you didn’t find it here on Earth.

So as every smart man should, when this sort of thing begins to develop… I hid.

20 min later I began to feel sorry for the lawnmower. I could tell from the sound of things, the poor thing was being asked repeatedly to do things normally reserved for a chainsaw.  I’m sure the litte voice in my head was screaming DON’T GO OUT THERE, but my hearing was never very good.

I find the women sitting on the patio contemplating some aspect of life. Continuing my current trend of ignoring the little voice… I asked ‘what’s the problem?’

Apparently the grass was tall enough and wet enough that the mower keeps clogging up and dying. Hmm, the little voice in my head has found a tender spot of brain and is prodding it with a sharp stick. So I actually heed the current advice to not make a snide comment about NASA giving them both the day off.

In one of my more reserved moments, I calmly explain that when faced with these conditions, one should only mow a partial strip each pass. Uncomprehending stares.. in stereo even.

the little voice has found a system that works and the sharp stick to the brain keeps me from lamenting out loud that its a screwed up world that allows people to grow to adulthood and not know how to mow grass in adverse conditions…

Words aren’t working so I go clean out the mower’s blow hole, and fire it up. Demonstration time. I mow off a chunk of jungle thats about 10 x 10 x 10. I do this about 6 inches at a time. back and forth back and forth … blowing the cut grass AWAY from the remaining jungle. The mower doesn’t sputter and die. The blow hole doesn’t clog up.

This demonstration of man-magic serves no purpose whatsoever.  Only moments later the girl has shoved the mower into the jungle at a rate that not only clogs the blowhole but the remaining jungle even keeps the mower wheels off the ground. I’m screaming STOPSTOPSTOP, I’m getting the stereo ‘what?’ stare again and she keeps shoving the mower into VC territory until it chokes and dies.

what follows is loud, there is much flailing of the arms and stomping about. It began with “when someone yells stop you STOP!!” excuse, repeat, excuse, repeat louder, excuse, repeat much louder.

There is a lecture on the concept of using a dangerous powertool and not paying attention to said powertool. If you don’t notice the mower is clogged, you’re either trying to damage it, trying to get mommy to mow it for you or you’re not paying attention.

the concept of using a tool and not observing the effects is completely alien to me. I find that idea to be so insanely unsafe and irresponsible as to be incomprehensible.

You know it’s not working, you can see it’s not working, someone shows you a different way that does work, someone explains a different way and you still do it the way that hasn’t been working, that’s aggressive, on purpose stupidity.

I immediately began to think of ways to make my tools less accessible.

other stories in this series

  • tearing a hole in the side of the catfood bag is not ‘feeding the cat’
  • setting the dog poop storage bin under the open window is not ‘airing out the house’
  • 2 sandwiches and a box of mac n cheese is not ‘a snack’

Posted on May 9, 2009, in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. Man, I just gotta ask for details … what tripped your hammer?

  2. OrangeNeckInNY

    Who’s head and who’s ass?

  3. AH! I see now …
    other stories in this series

    tearing a hole in the side of the catfood bag is not ‘feeding the cat’
    setting the dog poop storage bin under the open window is not ‘airing out the house’
    2 sandwiches and a box of mac n cheese is not ‘a snack’

    Heh heh heh

  4. OrangeNeckInNY

    Your way takes longer. In a world of instant gratification, taking 3x as long to mow the lawn is verboten. Maybe there’s a place where you can rent a female goat that puts out milk. Get it to mow your lawn and then simply milk it every 8 hours. You’d have a mowed lawn AND fresh goats milk.

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